Henry Ford
What we believe becomes!
You might even recognise some of your limiting beliefs.
But if you listen to the language you use every day, in general conversation, with others or your internal monologues (Yes! We all have a chatterbox in our head), you will discover a lot more about how language is affecting you and what you believe.
When, as a teenager, I picked up Scott Peck's book; ‘The road less travelled’, and read the first line of part one: “life is difficult”; I thought “You're not kidding”.
Although I agreed with the statement, as that was the way I felt at the time, I decided I did not want the rest of my life to be like that.
I saw no reason why it should be that way. Foolish of me may be, I made it my mission to find ways of making life easier for myself and others.
Along the way, I discovered two things about the impact language has on us.
- Firstly, the words we use give us an insight into the way we think, believe and respond to the world.
- Secondly, when change the vocabulary we use, how we perceive what is happening and what we create in our lives changes almost without effort.
So, if like me, you would like an easier and better life, here are five words, you probably use on a regular basis, which you can erase from your vocabulary.
Find out what you can replace them with and begin to transform your life.
The first thought you might have is: OK I'll try and see what happens.
1) Try
Actually if you do say that, nothing will happen! Next you might think OK then ‘if at first I don't succeed try, try and try again!
That won’t help you either, because “TRY” is the first word to delete from your vocabulary.
What the expression fails to convey is, if you don't succeed, consider what you might need to change and see if it works any better.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome”.
Try implies failure.
As you realise if I said: ‘I tried to learn to drive’, you know full well I didn’t pass my test and probably had more than one go!
Try also implies effort. Effort is hard work and causes tension in the body, thus making your life more difficult.
Neither failure nor effort are helpful if you want an easier or better life. So you can use words such as explore, investigate, play, taste, see if... instead.
2) Don’t
Secondly, have you ever told yourself: “DON'T FORGET XYZ” and then realized you did forget it?
This is normal.
The brain can’t recognize a negative statement.
If I say to you, “don't think of a pink elephant”, you had to think of the pink elephant to recognise what it was you were not meant to be thinking about. At that point it’s too late, you have thought of it.
So any phrases that begin with don't followed by an action tend not to get the desired reaction.
Don't forget...can be changed to remember.
For something like “don't run” etc, describe what you to see happen, in this case walk. Don't scream could become: speak more quietly, and so on.
3) Should
“SHOULD” is the next word that creates difficulty in our life. It prevents us from experiencing the world as it truly is.
Whether you think something should or shouldn't have happened, the reality is, it did!
Only when we accept the reality as it is, can we begin to move forward and get on, otherwise as I recall in Red Dwarf, Kryten said to Rimmer; “you're living in an unreality bubble Sir!”
We use should (or shouldn’t) when people, (or things) don’t behave in the way we want them to - including ourselves.
Even if we don't realise it, they have their reasons for behaving the way they do.
It's generally unconscious on the part of the human - always deliberate on the part of an object or animal of course ;-).
Expecting the world to behave other than the way it does, is as Byron Katie puts it like expecting a cat to bark!
If you think you SHOULD do something, whose ‘voice’ is that?
Yes! It might be the one in your head, but who is it that initially gave you the idea of what was correct or not?
Is it the media, a parent, a teacher, or a boss may be?
Should, means there's an internal desire to conform to an external pressure or request. If we believe the statement to be true we end up feeling guilty.
Who said that request is actually right for you in that environment?
For example in the UK it is not considered polite to eat with our fingers, yet in India it is, (as long as it’s not the left one!). So who is right?
Consider using the word ‘choose’ to do or not do something instead.
This puts the onus on you to take responsibility for your actions, rather than feeling you don't have much of a choice or that you only do it for fear of punishment if you don't.
4) The fourth word is: Why.
You may be familiar with Simon Sinek’s ‘Find your why’ and how powerful that can be.
However, asking someone WHY they have done something tends to switches their brain off.
When kids ask their parents “why this, why that...” often the answer is simply ‘because I say so’ with no further explanation.
It is difficult to find an answer at such times, because it is usually more than one thing that determines the reason why something is the way it is, or why someone does something.
A certain set of circumstances might need to come together at exactly the right time to make it happen, just like rainbows.
Instead ask various questions starting with what, where, when and how.
These are more likely to give you an insight into what was going on in the person's brain, at the time they took the action, and find a way to get a more satisfactory outcome for both parties.
My husband kept asking “Why do you keep leaving drawers open? Why don’t you just shut them?”
Had I merely responded to the ‘why’, my answer would have been ‘because I did, why? ’ His answer to ‘why’ would have been because he wants to know!
Neither particularly helpful to being able to understand each other.
Being asked why also made me feel like I was wrong, when I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. It implies a ‘should’ as mentioned above.
What I was thinking was, “It would save me time having to shut it and open it again, now he wants me to waste my time.”
That made me less willing to want to shut the drawer.
So, instead of just asking why, I asked him what his issue was with it being open.
He shared his concern that he might not realise it was open and hurt himself. An amicable short discussion followed sharing our thought on the matter.
I am not entirely sure what changed, whether he has not seen me leave drawers open but he hasn’t asked me to shut a drawer since and I am not sure I always shut them!
5 Hard/ difficult
Take a moment to close your eyes and think about things that you find hard or difficult.
Notice what that does to your energy levels, your enthusiasm, your confidence, and desire to do them.
When you feel this way, rather than focus on how something is hard or difficult ask yourself:
- What could be easier?
- What could be softer?
- How can I make this more fun?
Listen for the answers and ideas you come up with. Implement them and see what happens.
As you become more aware of the language you’re using, you’ll begin to hear phrases such as:
- somebody or something is a pain in the neck,
- put your back in it,
- you had a gut feeling,
- it broke my hearted
- ...
All of these types of phrases are the ones I listen out for with clients.
They give me clues as to the deeper reasons they experience pain in a particular area of their body or feel the way they do.
Helping me understand how they are experiencing the world. Reflecting that back to them and exploring how they learned to perceive the world that way helps them heal and make their life easier.
Enjoy listening to yourself and others and don't forget why you shouldn't try hard!
Oops! I really mean: Remember when you can choose to explore an easier life!
Our brain believes everything we say and so this becomes our reality. Make sure it is one you actually want!
Until next time, BE WELL
Julie Nicholls Body~Mind Coach LCSP(Phys), IEMT, former RGN Tel: 01793 495551
To book a taster session: http://bit.ly/3I5pPbe
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